Saturday, July 11, 2009

My Last Post

If you had been here earlier, you would have known that this was supposed to be my last post.

Matigas ang ulo ko. I don't usually follow what other people say.

When I started blogging, I wasn't after the readers. I don't care if the only reader I had was miles away sitting in Bangladesh writing/ rewriting some article (Hi Minhaz!). For me, he was more than enough. All I wanted was to write what I feel. It's my break from all the hustle and bustle of oDesk work. That freedom to write what I feel was the same freedom that got me into this "mess".

If you are looking for the open letter, it's no longer there. I deleted it yesterday because I don't want trouble. I wrote that in order to express how I felt. For those who haven't read it, it's basically an expression of how disappointed I was that he posted his answer to the question "May spark ba o wala?" with full explanation in the comment portion of the Wow Sabaw entry for the whole blogosphere to read.

I was never the war freak kind. If you had seen Anger Management, you would know that I am Adam Sandler. I do have my share of war freak moments but what had happened these past few weeks is something that did not exactly call for one.

Ladies and gentemen, if you had passed by Lio's blog (thessddboy) and have read "Maling Akala", let me tell you this- I AM THAT GIRL. I was the girl who misread his actions. I was the girl who assumed the feeling is mutual. Of course I don't have to say these things because most of you knew about it from my oh-so-many posts about unrequited love, but let me just say that for the sake of those who were wondering. It's true that I asked him to give me some time to sort things out. If you are familiar with the way Lio puts his thoughts into words, then you'd know that most of what he said is true.

Was I angry with what he wrote? You bet I was! That was why I had all the intention of ending this blog a while ago just so I could stop the pain and the anger. But five things happened that smacked me right back to reality:
  1. Ikay frantically looked for me and tried to find a way to talk to me. She then spent a good three hours talking to me and trying to convince me not to close down this blog for that reason.
  2. One of my former trainees/ MC in Hyundai (Eisey) went online to talk to me and remind me about how we used to do things and why this particular incident is not something I should lose sleep over
  3. Cruxie posted a simple comment (the comment you see right now was already an edited version). The original comment almost tore my heart (okay, I'm really a crybaby)
  4. AC posted a comment that not only tore my heart but made me cry for a few minutes
  5. Ax sent me an email with a very moving advice (which reminded me again of how I like how he plays around with words in order to make you think):

do not abort a child because you were raped

Take note that I used the word "WAS" which means that it's all now part of the past. Because, I realized that that's his blog. He can write whatever he wants in the same manner that I can write here whatever I want. Because I realized that I don't have to prove him wrong just to make people see that I am right. Because it doesn't matter what other people say. What matters is how much I trust myself. Because, after all, he used to be my friend. Because I can choose to not get hurt - with what he said, what he will say, what other people will say. Because I should know better.

Seen from a different perspective, the anger went away. The pain? Well, I'm still working on that one. After all, it's hard to lose a friend just like that.

I still stand firm with my belief that, in any situation, it would always take two to tango. But that's just me.

I won't be erasing the comments. They are much too precious for me.

Buy Me A Cup Of Coffee