Behind The Mask

He who laughs the loudest, cries the hardest

One thing that I hate about rain is the fact that it increases my tendency to get depressed. Yes, I get depressed easily. With all the tags and lists that I usually post you'd think I'd ran out of things to disclose about myself. But, no! Here I go again ranting (or raving depending on how you see it) about what I feel.

You know what sucks about being in love and not having the right to express it? You want to know so much about your beloved. You want to go around looking for any information about him, any picture, any "print" that he had left behind. And Google makes it much worse because you actually get what you want...and it usually breaks your heart. And that's just what happened to me just now. I relaized that I just simply, simply cannot make him fall in love with me.

One of my not-so-close friends told me that I should be thankful with what I have. Easier said than done! Truth be told, I've oftentimes come to the point where I am willing to give up everything that I have for some semblance of normalcy in my life (and I am actually crying while I'm saying this!). Not that I am ungrateful for everything that God has given me. It's just that, when I think about it, it's what I have that has consistently driven people away. It's what I am and what I have that had most guys thinking I am way over their league (or way below their league as the case maybe).

Stop looking for love? The problem is, I'm not looking. Right now, I'm not. If you enjoy the company of a person so much that you look forward to seeign him every single day without the intention of falling in love with him, would you call that "looking for love"? Because if that's what "looking" means, then consider me guilty. I don't go out on dates, I don't seat at starbucks hoping someone would approach me and get my number, I don't got to bars, I don't do EBs, I don't have chatmates or textmates. And even then I always end up with the wrong guy.

My bestfriend once told me that, for someone to fall in love with me, he has to have a strong personality. He must not be afraid to show how he feels. And he is right. Weird as it may sound, I actually do not like rich, handsome guys (as a crush, maybe). But I do fall in love easily with guys who are not afraid to go against me or to say what they think or feel. Unfortunately, there are not much guys out there who fit the description. And those few who do, usually prefer girls who are the Maria Clara type. I can't be the Maria Clara type. I laugh aloud, I am strong-willed, I say what I feel and think. And I won't change what I am just for someone to love me. This is me, you've got to take me as I am, warts and all.

Every night I cry - for friends who have turned their backs on me, for people who lied about loving me, for people who had played with my feelings, for people who laughed at me for being silly enough to fall in love with them. Every night I cry because I've been told that I'm not pretty enough or smart enough or sexy enough or understanding enough.

Every night I pray for that someone who would love me. I don't need someone rich or famous. I just want someone who will be there no matter what, someone who would see behind the mask, someone who would put all my pieces together. Is that too much to ask?

PS:

No comments for today.

Updated PS:

Wala munang posts. Balik muna ako sa commercial hanggat di nagiging okay takbo ng puso at utak ko :(

Payn! Hinde ko kayang tumahimik...at kelangan ko nang kausap!


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